I'm rubber you're glue

Important rule of writing: don't insult your audience. I never thought much of this rule until I was recently insulted by an article I read in a magazine. Everything was fine as I was reading about a new champagne label and holiday parties until I came to this:

"Now, avoid looking like your usual frumpy self while you are spending the holiday season stuffing food and drink in your mouth (usually to prevent yourself from saying something you'll regret)..."

Excuse me? Did you just call me a fat pig who has a case of foot-in-mouth syndrome? You didn't? Well that's how i took it, jackass! I didn't read on because I was so pissed off Nylon magazine called me frumpy and said I stuff my face. Nylon, i love you but as of this moment you're on my shit list.

healthy cigarettes!

Bad ads are music to my ears. For some reason I get joy out of horrible print advertisements. I like seeing ads that contradict themselves or don't make any sense. This ad for American Spirit cigarettes says, "100% additive-free natural tobacco." Great, I can smoke my cigarettes and not have to worry about toxic carcinogens. This additive-free claim sounds like good news; a way of promoting American Spirits over other brands. But at the bottom left corner there is a disclaimer saying, "No additives in our tobacco does NOT mean a safer cigarette." Hmmm. Not only is this warning grammatically incorrect (the 'does' should be a 'do') we come to find out American Spirits aren't really better for you, just different from other brands who include additives in their cigs. Obviously cigarettes are bad for you--common sense to most people. But it seems contradictory and unnecessary to mention no additives when it really doesn't make that much of a difference in the long run.

t-shirt contest

As I was flipping through NYLON I came across an ad for an international t-shirt decorating contest. Japanese clothing brand, Graniph, has been a company since 2001 and for the second year in a row they are hosting the international event where designers can put their creative skills to work on a wearable canvas--the t-shirt. This year the contest will be open to anyone wanting to participate (last year it was professional designers only). Winners of the contest will receive a cash prize and the chance to have their design printed on a Graniph tee that will be available internationally.
I was excited to see this because there are many talented people in the pub design program and I'm sure someone could have a shot at winning. And who doesn't love wearing home made t-shirts? I have included the article with all the information or you can visit www.graniph.com for rules and sign up instructions.

why me

I was going through my mail one day and saw something that looked pretty important; it even had those serrated edges on each side like checks have which is the reason i got excited. I open it up to find this:



At first, like an idiot, I thought I had won my dream vacation. But after looking at these pieces or a while (a fake airline ticket, the postmaster instructions and the warning label for tampering on the front) I realized it was nothing but a low-budget scam. Although I was disappointed at not winning my dream vaca I thought, "What a cool way to scam people." I get a ton of junk mail and i have never seen companies go this far for their advertising. As much as I hate to say it I give US AIRWAYS and AVIS props for almost tricking me. It definitely made me open it as opposed to throwing it in my fireplace (which is what i normally do). Now I am on the lookout--watch, one of these days I'm really going to win, think it is a scam, and throw it in the fireplace only to realize I had 2 free tickets to Cabo. Wouldn't that be just my luck?

magazine smell

Buying a magazine is almost as good as Christmas. I get super sonic hyper active when I know I am going to buy a new magazine. It doesn't matter what publication it is--just as long as it's new. I hate to admit it but I judge by the covers. If the cover is visually appealing or I like a headline i buy it. When the cashier asks me if I would like a bag I say no-- what's the point when I know I'm going to begin reading as soon as I walk out the door? I am very methodical with my process of reading a new magazine. First, I look at the front, back, and bind; I study the cover for about 10 minutes then open it for the first time. I go through every page, one by one, making sure I don't miss even the tiniest ad; I like to take my time. I never sit down with a magazine unless I know I have at least an hour to read it through. Every couple turns I stop and smell the pages. Have you ever smelled a fresh new magazine and let your finger tips graze the crisp pages? Unbelievable. When i find myself drifting off while reading I stop and start the article over. When I'm done reading cover to cover it is a sad time; it's exactly the feeling you have after you've finished a wonderful meal and you look down at your plate and sigh, "I don't want dinner to be over." (Dinner being over is a daily struggle I face). When i am finished I place my new/old read on top of the ever-growing pile of other new/old reads that rest in a corner of my living room near a lamp I bought in France. It's always a good day when a new magazine is on the agenda.

cut off

Piggybacking on what I mentioned in an earlier blog about being cut-off from my technology staple I feel compelled to share with everyone how inaccessible internet access, well... sucks. I never thought I would have such a problem having no internet and as it turns out I almost died. For 7 days I have had no internet access in my home. Normally this would not inconvenience me because I could walk the 3 blocks to UB and logon there. But what do you do during Thanksgiving break when UB is closed? Exactly. There is nothing you can do. You just get to sit in your apartment and rot away into the past while everyone else in the world is caught up on day-to-day happenings. I know I sound melodramatic but after having everything I want at the click of a button only to wake up and have it taken away well, I felt like i was Harry Potter and someone had taken away my magic. I found myself craving things I never wanted, for example I don't normally look up news urls (cnn, usa today, etc) but I like having the option. I found myself craving cnn.com and yahoo, google, and the UB webpage. How is it possible a person can lose all sense of space when the internet is not available? I forgot how dependent I became on little things I took for granted. Today, after 7 days of being offline, I found myself lost in cyberspace. My fingers were like spiders on rollerskates and I was unable to find the back button on my browser; I was a mess. Maybe this loss of service is a sign I need to release the cord between myself and my PC. When my internet comes back (if it ever does) I'm going to limit my daily use to half of what it was. (Not really, but i feel this blog should have some kind of moral or happy resolution).

how unnecessary

How is it a task that seems so easy turns into a situation of frustration? If anyone has ever lost a cellphone you can relate to what I'm saying. I lost my phone at a bar and woke up the next morning thinking, "No big deal--I will buy a new one on Monday." Of course Monday comes and goes, as does Tuesday, then Wednesday, and before I can realize it is Friday. A whole week! I was pretty proud of myself for lasting that long without one of my technology staples. After visiting the AT&T/Cingular store and replacing my lost phone with the same pink razor I had before I was excited to take my purchase home and begin the rebate process. I've only had to replace one phone in 5 years and forgot how awful and time consuming this process actually is. Not only do you have to send in the stupid cardboard barcode attached to the box but you have to send in a copy--NOT THE ORIGINAL-- of your receipt (this is very clear and written in extra bold all caps futura just so you know AT&T is not fucking around). I would love to sit here and list everything else needed to complete this absurd process but honestly, I don't have the time and I'm sure you don't either. What have I learned from this experience? When you get drunk and fall down stairs be sure to check your purse or pockets for all of your belongings before continuing the night of drunken debauchery.