Project 1, Phase 5: Frigid Bitch

Here she is, the bitch of all bitches. My final revision of the permafrost princess. Something happened to the bottom of my page but you get the general idea of the layout.

Project 4, Phase 5: Classification

Here is my revised project 4. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

pelephants

in case you haven't guessed already, the made-up word "pelephant" is a combination of penguin and elephant. it's not too clever but it's what i call my collection of penguin and elephant toys and trinkets. I was unable to scan my objects but i found these pictures instead.

can anyone help me?

please help me. after reading a lot of class blogs i find myself feeling impotent. where does everyone find all their news on design issues and professional stuff (are those the correct technical terms? ;) ) maybe it's because i have only been in one professional environment since graduating but i feel like i'm looking for something and i don't know what. i would love some suggestions from you (anyone) on websites or blogs i could visit so i can start getting a professional mind set. I already have the couple sites from class we talked about but any extra help/advice/tips would be greatly appreciated. thanks.

free chicken and gay porn

After class on Saturday my boyfriend, Ben, and I went to Giant to get some dinner. After checking out, we made our way out to the car and I stumbled (literally) on a book that was laying on the ground. I thought about leaving it there just in case the owner re-traced his steps and found it but Ben told me to bring it with us. "Whenever you find a book on the ground you pick it up and read it." He's a writer and is always looking to be fed by the knowledge teet. We were almost home when he said, "what did we buy that is hot?" Nothing. We had bought soup, french bread, salad, and wine. I looked at him like he was crazy but then realized there was a bag on the floor with a whole roasted chicken inside. After contemplating how this miraculous chicken appeared in our car we realized we had accidentally stolen the chicken that belonged to the lady who was in line behind us. We didn't want to drive all the way back to the grocery store--especially because we knew the lady was no longer there and probably picked out a new chicken for dinner. Once we were inside-thrilled we had found another dinner component- we remembered we had the book I had found. The name of the book was called Close Contact. Intrigued, Ben opened the book and began to read me a passage. About 20 seconds into his reading we began to realize why the book had been left in the Giant parking lot- it was gay porn. Ben wanted nothing to do with it but I kept reading. How often do you find gay porn just laying around in the street? Well, the weekend has come to end and I decided I have had enough of my homosexual erotica and am returning it to the street so another patron can come across it (no pun intended)and enjoy himself some light reading.

the full body project

I think it is absolutely fantastic that these women, and others in the "fat liberation" movement are speaking up about the absurdity of body image in today's society. America has become obsessed with being thin and it has gotten to the point where women who are a size 2 are now being ridiculed about their bodies. A perfect example is the actress Jennifer Love Hewitt. Unflattering pictures were posted of the actress while vacationing with her fiance. The pictures show her frolicking in the water in a black bikini and days later headlines read, "Jennifer Love Chew-it." This is absurd. She retaliated on her blog stating "a size 2 is not fat." Anyway, kudos to the women of the "fat liberation." Way to be proud of your bodies. If you want to read the full article click on the article above.

you're not a genius--it's called photoshop

PicWash, a web service that allows you to upload your photos and have them professionally retouched within 48 hours is no miracle as NYLON would have you believe. Its called photoshop, people. I actually commend this guy for ripping people off when clearly this kind of work can be done on your own computer with the right technology.

santa on crack

Because it is the holiday season and our class is constantly discussing dead bodies and people on crack I thought this little guy was appropriate. Merry Crackmas! Yum Yum.

funny story? maybe not.

I decided to make a plaque for my boobs (the project 6 boobs not my actual boobs). I went to Home Depot, bought a board, varnish, and other accoutrements. When I came home I went out to my back deck to start varnishing my plaque. The directions read: first, apply a thin layer. Let dry 6 hours before applying second layer. I began painting and when I was finished set the board aside and picked up the can to read instructions about getting varnish off skin. As I was picking up the can it slipped through my paint-slicked fingers and fell to the ground spilling the contents everywhere. Did I mention I live in a 4th floor walk up? The varnish traveled from the spot of spilling, out the back door, down the fire escape and was headed straight for the hood of my landlord's brand new silver Eclipse. I said my share of "shits" and "fucks", gathered old newspaper, paper towels, and anything else that could sop up the mess I had made. But I wasn't quick enough. A tiny bit of varnish landed on the new ride. I stared down the steep fire escape for a moment--unable to fathom what had just happened. Did I also mention my land lord is more than anal and is suspected by tenants to have obsessive compulsive disorder? My heart was pounding, I was shaking (both from the cold and fear of being evicted), what the fuck was I going to do? Many things ran through my mind; lie, move, blame it on the
3rd floor tenants, but none of this was going to work. After cleaning my deck I went inside. I was just sitting down to smoke a cigarette by the fire place when I heard a knock on the door. Doom. I knew it was him coming to take me down. I answered the door, explained I had been painting on the back deck but was unaware of the paint that had fallen onto his car. In the end, the tiny bit of varnish on his car came off, and I ended up having to scrub the trash can lids to rid them of their new paint job. I guess by point/request of this story is: do I get an A on project 6 due to hard work and mental anguish?

I'm rubber you're glue

Important rule of writing: don't insult your audience. I never thought much of this rule until I was recently insulted by an article I read in a magazine. Everything was fine as I was reading about a new champagne label and holiday parties until I came to this:

"Now, avoid looking like your usual frumpy self while you are spending the holiday season stuffing food and drink in your mouth (usually to prevent yourself from saying something you'll regret)..."

Excuse me? Did you just call me a fat pig who has a case of foot-in-mouth syndrome? You didn't? Well that's how i took it, jackass! I didn't read on because I was so pissed off Nylon magazine called me frumpy and said I stuff my face. Nylon, i love you but as of this moment you're on my shit list.

healthy cigarettes!

Bad ads are music to my ears. For some reason I get joy out of horrible print advertisements. I like seeing ads that contradict themselves or don't make any sense. This ad for American Spirit cigarettes says, "100% additive-free natural tobacco." Great, I can smoke my cigarettes and not have to worry about toxic carcinogens. This additive-free claim sounds like good news; a way of promoting American Spirits over other brands. But at the bottom left corner there is a disclaimer saying, "No additives in our tobacco does NOT mean a safer cigarette." Hmmm. Not only is this warning grammatically incorrect (the 'does' should be a 'do') we come to find out American Spirits aren't really better for you, just different from other brands who include additives in their cigs. Obviously cigarettes are bad for you--common sense to most people. But it seems contradictory and unnecessary to mention no additives when it really doesn't make that much of a difference in the long run.

t-shirt contest

As I was flipping through NYLON I came across an ad for an international t-shirt decorating contest. Japanese clothing brand, Graniph, has been a company since 2001 and for the second year in a row they are hosting the international event where designers can put their creative skills to work on a wearable canvas--the t-shirt. This year the contest will be open to anyone wanting to participate (last year it was professional designers only). Winners of the contest will receive a cash prize and the chance to have their design printed on a Graniph tee that will be available internationally.
I was excited to see this because there are many talented people in the pub design program and I'm sure someone could have a shot at winning. And who doesn't love wearing home made t-shirts? I have included the article with all the information or you can visit www.graniph.com for rules and sign up instructions.

why me

I was going through my mail one day and saw something that looked pretty important; it even had those serrated edges on each side like checks have which is the reason i got excited. I open it up to find this:



At first, like an idiot, I thought I had won my dream vacation. But after looking at these pieces or a while (a fake airline ticket, the postmaster instructions and the warning label for tampering on the front) I realized it was nothing but a low-budget scam. Although I was disappointed at not winning my dream vaca I thought, "What a cool way to scam people." I get a ton of junk mail and i have never seen companies go this far for their advertising. As much as I hate to say it I give US AIRWAYS and AVIS props for almost tricking me. It definitely made me open it as opposed to throwing it in my fireplace (which is what i normally do). Now I am on the lookout--watch, one of these days I'm really going to win, think it is a scam, and throw it in the fireplace only to realize I had 2 free tickets to Cabo. Wouldn't that be just my luck?

magazine smell

Buying a magazine is almost as good as Christmas. I get super sonic hyper active when I know I am going to buy a new magazine. It doesn't matter what publication it is--just as long as it's new. I hate to admit it but I judge by the covers. If the cover is visually appealing or I like a headline i buy it. When the cashier asks me if I would like a bag I say no-- what's the point when I know I'm going to begin reading as soon as I walk out the door? I am very methodical with my process of reading a new magazine. First, I look at the front, back, and bind; I study the cover for about 10 minutes then open it for the first time. I go through every page, one by one, making sure I don't miss even the tiniest ad; I like to take my time. I never sit down with a magazine unless I know I have at least an hour to read it through. Every couple turns I stop and smell the pages. Have you ever smelled a fresh new magazine and let your finger tips graze the crisp pages? Unbelievable. When i find myself drifting off while reading I stop and start the article over. When I'm done reading cover to cover it is a sad time; it's exactly the feeling you have after you've finished a wonderful meal and you look down at your plate and sigh, "I don't want dinner to be over." (Dinner being over is a daily struggle I face). When i am finished I place my new/old read on top of the ever-growing pile of other new/old reads that rest in a corner of my living room near a lamp I bought in France. It's always a good day when a new magazine is on the agenda.

cut off

Piggybacking on what I mentioned in an earlier blog about being cut-off from my technology staple I feel compelled to share with everyone how inaccessible internet access, well... sucks. I never thought I would have such a problem having no internet and as it turns out I almost died. For 7 days I have had no internet access in my home. Normally this would not inconvenience me because I could walk the 3 blocks to UB and logon there. But what do you do during Thanksgiving break when UB is closed? Exactly. There is nothing you can do. You just get to sit in your apartment and rot away into the past while everyone else in the world is caught up on day-to-day happenings. I know I sound melodramatic but after having everything I want at the click of a button only to wake up and have it taken away well, I felt like i was Harry Potter and someone had taken away my magic. I found myself craving things I never wanted, for example I don't normally look up news urls (cnn, usa today, etc) but I like having the option. I found myself craving cnn.com and yahoo, google, and the UB webpage. How is it possible a person can lose all sense of space when the internet is not available? I forgot how dependent I became on little things I took for granted. Today, after 7 days of being offline, I found myself lost in cyberspace. My fingers were like spiders on rollerskates and I was unable to find the back button on my browser; I was a mess. Maybe this loss of service is a sign I need to release the cord between myself and my PC. When my internet comes back (if it ever does) I'm going to limit my daily use to half of what it was. (Not really, but i feel this blog should have some kind of moral or happy resolution).

how unnecessary

How is it a task that seems so easy turns into a situation of frustration? If anyone has ever lost a cellphone you can relate to what I'm saying. I lost my phone at a bar and woke up the next morning thinking, "No big deal--I will buy a new one on Monday." Of course Monday comes and goes, as does Tuesday, then Wednesday, and before I can realize it is Friday. A whole week! I was pretty proud of myself for lasting that long without one of my technology staples. After visiting the AT&T/Cingular store and replacing my lost phone with the same pink razor I had before I was excited to take my purchase home and begin the rebate process. I've only had to replace one phone in 5 years and forgot how awful and time consuming this process actually is. Not only do you have to send in the stupid cardboard barcode attached to the box but you have to send in a copy--NOT THE ORIGINAL-- of your receipt (this is very clear and written in extra bold all caps futura just so you know AT&T is not fucking around). I would love to sit here and list everything else needed to complete this absurd process but honestly, I don't have the time and I'm sure you don't either. What have I learned from this experience? When you get drunk and fall down stairs be sure to check your purse or pockets for all of your belongings before continuing the night of drunken debauchery.

NYLON

First I would like to thank Janet for turning me onto my new favorite magazine. On a trip around town a few days ago I stopped into Harbor News and picked up November's issue of NYLON magazine. After reading the toc I was already a fan. The writing is smart and the tid-bitty articles keep me entertained and informed on fahion and music around the world. (Speaking of around the world, there is an article on Daft Punk, the eclectic techno-spinning musicians who dress as robots for performances). I'm a huge fan of the layout and find having multiple small articles on different topics placed on the ame page makes for a fun and adventurous read. I couldn't put it down; I read cover to cover within the hour and cannot wait until December when I can pick up the next issue. Again, thank you Janet for turning me onto this godsend--I will never be the same.

way to go

I am very disturbed by a commercial I have seen repeatedly over the past few months. Playskool toys has a product called the Rose Petal Cottage, a life-size (for a child) doll house with a kitchen, living room, and a washer & dryer. The doll house is not what bothers me. What bothers me is that damn commercial featuring the little girl cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. I understand that little girls like to play house, I was no different. But the commercial urks me because its like "hey, teach your little girls when they're young that a women's role is in the home. she cooks, she cleans, and has dinner on the table in a timely manner." I can't help but think that this "harmless" dollhouse is setting women back decades. Why can't playskool come out with a life-size office setting for little girls; with a big desk, computer, and window? Or a stage so they can pretend to be rockstars? I'm not trying to take away dollhouses from little girls I'm just saying enough already. Quit trying to mold them into stepford wives.

cheddar

I was listening to the radio a few weeks ago and heard the djs talking about slang on the streets. I knew I would find a definition just by listening and sure enough, I did. Ordinary citizens might think of cheese when they hear the words "Kraft Singles" but on the streets "kraft singles" is a term for one dollar bills. Because money is referred to as "cheddar" a single is obviously a kraft. I hope everyone is now more enlightened on current street slang and believe me, one day all of you will thank me for keeping you hip on the lingo.

my credo

monkeys are like cheese... they make everything better.